


Jim Kirk's Foolproof Plan to Seduce His Roommate

by ILikeFloralWayTooMuch



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, College, Crossdressing, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Happy Ending, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Implied Sexual Content, Jim Kirk is a Goofball, Light Angst, Lingerie, Starfleet Academy, Wooing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 23:49:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4325562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ILikeFloralWayTooMuch/pseuds/ILikeFloralWayTooMuch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim Kirk had been trying to woo his roommate Lenore McCoy for months. It used to be innocent and kind of cute. Now it just really annoyed the shit out of her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jim Kirk's Foolproof Plan to Seduce His Roommate

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this forever and ever ago, but I took it down to make some well-needed changes to it. Now it's up again!
> 
> I hope you enjoy! :)

Lenore McCoy’s head was pounding.

No, scratch that.

It was _throbbing_.

The kind of insufferable headache that couldn’t be cured with simple aspirin, a cold compress, or sleeping it off.

It was the kind of _migraine_ that festered itself into your very being, affecting your entire body until you begin to seriously consider shooting yourself in the head.

And do you know what caused this headache?

Can you even _guess_ as to what made Lenore want to end her own existence?

_James Fucking Tiberius Kirk._

Jim Kirk was insufferable. A nuisance. A miscreant. A pain in her well-shaped ass. Every one of these things applied.

Ever since the two of them met last year, he’d been trying to get her to fall in love with him. And as of recently, take her to bed. His attempts never worked, but boy, was he _insistent_.

After a few adamant refusals, things had died down for a while. He never mentioned anything to do with romance for that short period of time, and although she was grateful, she still found it unusual and a little unsettling. They were just plain great friends, and things were normal between the two of them. 

Before Lenore even knew what was happening, he was _moving into her dorm._ looking in hindsight, Lenore was pretty certain she must have been especially hammered when she agreed to it.

Jim spent weeks pestering her about it. He went so far as to compose a logical and well-put-together holographic slideshow to explain exactly _why_ moving in together would be a wonderful idea. In twenty-seven fucking slides.

He made her sit on her bed one evening and presented the whole thing to her. He even wore a business suit, just to “add to the atmosphere.” And even Lenore had to admit, for acting like a dumbass for most of the time he spent breathing, Jim was very intelligent and eloquent. Well, when he wanted to be.

It was when Jim got to slide 16 that she finally snapped.

“Fine, fine, whatever! You can move in. But no bringing your sex partners here. I don’t want STD’s crawling all over the place. It’ll ruin the linen. And when I say lights out, you better damn well get your ass into that bed--”

Jim cut her off by attacking her with a giant bear hug. He ended up tackling her, and they both fell onto the bed with a _fwoomp!_

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I know that your hurtful and condescending words are just your way of saying you love me, Bones!” She could practically _hear_ the grin in his voice.

And despite her better judgment, she ended up smiling and hugging him back.

***

However, like most insistent morons, Jim kept up his valiant effort to sweep Bones off of her feet. Only this time around, he tried being more romantic. No more crass requests for sex. He had apparently realized that acting like a walking testosterone hormone would only get furious responses and possibly a black eye.

So Jim started off with the classic and sure-fire methods of wooing: Flowers, balloons, the whole shebang.

The day he brought her flowers, she was heading down the dorm hall towards the turbo lift. She had a class in less than fifteen minutes, and she was late as it was.

Jim sprinted around the corner, running right into her. She stumbled backwards from the impact until Jim quickly grabbed her wrists, pulling her back up. “Hey Bones, sorry. I was looking for you.” He grinned in that annoying happy-go-lucky way of his.

“Dammit, Jim, watch where you’re going! What do you want?” She scowled, annoyed.

And _that’s_ when she noticed the bouquet of flowers in his hands. Her mouth hung open in shock. They were no second-class posies. These were gorgeous, multicolored flowers that you had to go to a professional florist for. And damn, did they look expensive.

“They’re for you, Bones!” he chirped. He handed them to her excitedly.

“Jesus, Jim, how did you manage to get the money for this?”

“Oh, it was easy. I just had to give a few blowjobs in a shady back alley last week, and I had the money in no time,” he joked.

Bones laughed despite herself. “Well, aren’t you sweet, agreeing to unprotected sex with strangers just for me…”

She carefully turned the bouquet around to see the flowers in full detail. 

And then she spotted a decorative card.

A small, unnoticeable card buried beneath two pink roses. 

She plucked it out suspiciously and read it silently to herself.

Then she re-read it a second time.

And a third, just to make sure that she wasn’t developing macular degeneration.

And then she read it out loud.

“ ‘If I've never said thank you for bringing me into the world, I'd like to do that now. _Happy Mother’s Day_??’ ”

Jim visibly blanched, all color draining from his face. He swore under his breath. 

“Jim, did you even _buy_ these flowers?”

“O-of course I did! It was…it was just a…continuation of our little inside joke, remember? You know, how I joke around and call you ‘old lady’ ‘cuz you’re a couple years older than me, and-- and how I say ‘Yes, mom’ when you tell me to do something?” He was digging himself into a very deep hole, and he knew it.

“James Tiberius Kirk, did you _steal_ these?” she asked, horror and rage bubbling up inside her.

Jim cracked. Undeniably. “Not…technically--”

“Wait, wait, you’re trying to tell me that you “not technically” stole a bouquet of flowers, but you didn’t even bother to check _what the damn card said_?”

“I would have, but I was totally in a hurry to get them to you, so I didn’t have much time. And I didn’t steal them! I just didn’t pay for them, that’s all. Sulu let me take them out of his shop, no questions asked, because he knew it was for a greater cause. A divine purpose, if you will.”

“Please enlighten me on this ‘divine purpose,’ Pope Dumbass the Third. What on Earth would be so important that you had to come barreling down the hall like a goddamn idiot?”

He was instantly back to grinning like he stole all the cookies from the cookie jar. “I want to take you on a date, Bones.”

Bones stared at him in utter disbelief. And he stared back.

They just stared at each other for at least thirty seconds, and Jim’s stupid rainbow-face refused to falter.

Then Bones outright laughed at him. “ _Ha!_ Keep dreaming, kid.” She snorted and shoved the bouquet back at him.

“Ouch! You wound me, Bones.” He clutched his chest in mock-pain.

She rolled her eyes and began to walk away. 

“Wait, where are you going?” Jim asked, confused.

“Sorry, but I don’t have time for any of your shenanigans, kid. I’ve gotta get to class.”

She turned towards him one last time. “Oh, and when you get back to the room, don’t forget to put them in water.” She layered on the drawl especially thick. “We wouldn’t want them pretty flowers ya got me to wither up, now would we?” She batted her eyelashes at him and strode off. 

Jim’s mouth hung open. “Wait… _So is that a maybe_?”

***

Next he brought her a box of chocolates. Every girl loves chocolate, right? He probably figured that she’d be more willing to forgive him for the flower incident if she had food as an incentive.

One evening, Lenore was sitting at their shared desk, concentrating. She was wearing her reading glasses (which Jim had insisted gave her a ‘sexy librarian vibe’) and trying to finish a hand-sewn sundress for Joanna. She wouldn’t be able to visit her daughter until Thanksgiving, so she tried to send as many presents as she could.

A relaxing silence filled the room, and Lenore could feel herself fall into the calming, monotonous rhythm of the sewing machine as each stitch was made.

The peace was shattered when Jim burst into the room so fast that the door slammed against the wall on its hinges.

Lenore jerked in surprise and yelped when she felt the needle stab her in the thumb. Blood surfaced and pooled on the pad of her finger.

“Jesus, Jim, you scared me!” She yelped, sucking on the wound.

“Sorry, Bones. I was just really excited to see you.”

“Aren’t you always,” she muttered, rolling her eyes.

Jim blinked twice, stood up straight and cleared his throat, adopting a business-like expression. “Dearest Bones,” he began seriously. Lenore could tell that he had rehearsed this. “I have known you for a long time now, and I wanted to apologize for earlier last week. You are the _sweetest_ person I’ve ever met, and I wanted to make it up to you by giving you these.”

Oh. Ha ha. _Sweet_ , get it?

From behind his back, he pulled out a big red heart-shaped box of chocolates, the kind that you bought on Valentine’s Day.

(It was the middle of May.)

“So…here,” he finished lamely, smiling like a goofball.

Lenore openly gaped at him, still not exactly sure what in the hell was going on. She hesitated in opening the box lid. This was weird. More weird than the flowers episode. She almost expected to find a bomb. Or something as equally dangerous.

Okay, there wasn’t a bomb. Just chocolate. Lenore looked down at the box blankly, then rose an eyebrow at him. “Really, Jim. _Really_.” she said drily.

He groaned. “Just try them already!”

“Fine, you insufferable brat.” She picked up a piece that was lodged in the flimsy decorative paper pouches. She took her time inspecting it, turning it over and sniffing in suspicion. 

While Lenore did this, she was simultaneously going through an internal struggle. She truly appreciated Jim’s effort to be sweet. Really, she did. It was more than her douche of an ex-husband had ever attempted.

So her silent battle really boiled down to: Simply say thank you for the nice gesture and move on with their lives?  
  
Or…should she get a little well-deserved revenge on him?

No, the first option would be too nice. And simple.

She decided to have a bit of fun with him.

She chewed the first candy, humming in approval. Then she ate two more. Jim grinned at the seemingly positive reaction, and gloated, “They’re good, huh?”

Lenore smiled sweetly and nodded fervently. “Mm-hm.”

“See, what’d I tell you, Bones? I wouldn’t get you cheap-ass candy as an apology.”

Lenore swallowed the sticky food with a big gulp. _Oh God, this is gonna be good._ “Yeah, these are really good, Jim. I’m actually kinda impressed with--” 

Her voice choked to a stop.  She tried coughing, but it only came out as a gagging sound. Jim’s eyebrows knit together with worry. “Bones, are you okay?’

“Jim,” she whispered, eyes bugging out in terror. “What exactly is _in_ these chocolates?”

“Uh, I don’t know,” he replied. His voice was wobbly. “It’s one of those assorted packs. It has…uh…peanut butter, coconut, some marshmallow, I think--”

“ _There’s coconut in them?”_

“Yeah. Why, are you--" 

“Jim. _I’m deathly allergic to coconuts.”_

Any and all color drained from Jim’s face. “Holy shit, Bones." 

Lenore proceeded to fake an elaborate allergic reaction. She clutched dramatically at her throat and took panicked, constricted breaths. She even went so far as to keel over and pound the bed with her fist while she fake-choked.

She thought that it would be so over-the-top that even a moron like Jim would see right through the act.

But no, she got exactly the reaction out of Jim that she wanted. He started chanting a mantra of “OhmygodOhmygodHolyshitOhmygod” and he ran around the room panicking with his hands clutching his head like a crazy person.

“Holy shit, _how does this even happen?_ ” he yelled. “Tell me what to do, Bones!” 

She replied by opening her mouth without noise coming out, and waving her hands hysterically in front of her face. She gestured wildly to her throat, as if to say “I can’t fucking talk!” Jesus, she must have really been convincing.  
  
_Hot damn,_ she thought to herself. _Screw medicine, I should’ve majored in theater._

Jim resumed sprinting around the room. It was fucking hilarious. “I’m so sorry, Bones! I don’t know why this shit always seems to happen when I’m involved in something!” Lenore kind of felt bad. He was honestly freaking out, and he had no idea what to do for her.

“Okay…okay. It’s gonna be okay. Len, I’m taking you down to Sickbay right now, they’ll know what to do.”

“Len.” Huh. That was new.

In order to avoid an unnecessary explanation to the academy’s medical staff why one of their brightest and most focused medical students was sent down for a fake coconut allergy, she promptly ended the charade.

She straightened up, looking him dead in the eye. “I’m not actually allergic, you gullible fool. You’d think that with months of stabbing you with a hypo just to gauge the adverse effects would get you to recognize the signs of an allergic reaction when you saw one.” 

Jim’s face scrunched up in absolute incredulity. _“…What?”_

She handed the box of abused chocolates back to him, rolling her eyes. “We’re even now.”

“Even? For what?” he demanded. He still looked like he was going to simultaneously have a heart attack and burst into tears.

“For you being a pretentious ass. I’m gonna take a shower now, if you don’t’ mind.” And with that, she stalked off to the bathroom.

Jim sat down on his bed and grumbled, eating the rest of the chocolates by himself.

*** 

The fourth of July came around quicker than expected. The entire Academy bustled around that day, all of the students excitedly sharing their evening plans.

The 4th was a pretty ancient holiday, and didn’t hold any true meaning to most people those days, but it was a surefire excuse to party and drink.

And that’s exactly how Jim and Lenore spent it.

Well, the drinking part, at least.

Jim smuggled in some foreign hard liquor from one of his Andorian buddies along with a case of beer, and they were both eager to try it.

“Okay, you go first, Bones, I wanna see the look on your face. For blackmailing purposes. But mostly just to see if it’s poisoned.”

She gave him her trademark scowl, but proceeded nonetheless. She bravely took a huge gulp of the neon-colored stuff (mostly just to spite him).

Bad fucking decision.

It tasted like liquefied tar and cherry popsicles, with just a hint of piss for flavor.

She made an ungodly retching sound in the back of her throat and willed herself to swallow it all down. She literally almost threw up then and there, and had to sprint to the bathroom to get the taste out with mouthwash.

She could hear Jim practically crying with laughter. “Jesus, Bones! Was it really that bad?” If she was able to answer verbally, she would have, and with much creativity. But she couldn’t.

So she snatched an unwrapped roll of toilet paper and hurled at his head.

After the urge to barf had passed, Lenore strode back into the room with as much dignity as one who had just had an embarrassing experience with alcohol could. She sat down on the bed next to him with her head held high.

“Okay, my turn now!” Jim rubbed his hands together in anticipation. He grabbed for the same bottle she had used, and chugged about a quarter of it down. His reaction wasn’t quite as severe as hers was.

His face scrunched up completely and he stuck his tongue out in disgust. _That would make a beautiful Christmas card,_ Lenore thought affectionately.

“Holy shit, that _is_ nasty!” he laughed. Lenore had to thump him on the back when a coughing fit took over

“Oh no, quick, Doctor McCoy, help! I’m--*cough* a poor man in need of medical attent--*cough cough* attention! Quick, do the Heimlich!”

Lenore laughed along with him. “Sorry, can’t help you. Emergency training lessons are scheduled for next week. I’m just as helpless as you.”

“Ah! You murder me, Bones!” He flopped onto his back, but at least the coughing had died down.

“So did you get your blackmail material? Any embarrassing photos of me running into the bathroom?”

“Nope, not a single picture. I was too busy laughing at your sorry ass. Don’t worry though, next time, I’ll make sure to get some.”

“Oh, I don’t think there’ll be a ‘next time’ with this stuff.” She grimaced at the unopened case of liquor. “That shit was disgusting.”

“Agreed.” He nodded solemnly. “But…we can still drink the beer. I doubt the Andorians have figured out a way to mess _that_ up, too.”

And so they did. It obviously went a lot better than the liquor, and Lenore had to admit that it tasted a lot better than Earth beer.

They spent the next few hours sitting on her bed, propped up against the headboard with pillows. They talked more comfortably than they’d been able to in ages, and Lenore even ended up sharing more details of her past than she was usually comfortable with. It probably had a lot to do with the alcohol. Even in her slightly drunk haze, Lenore could definitely tell that both of their barriers were down.

They continued with this comfortable and lazy banter well past 9:00. Jim had resumed his attempts at romantic pursuit, but it was pretty half-assed and easy-going.

“Bones…Bones, you _know_ that we had a connection…a _spark_ if you will…the moment we met.” He wiggled his eyebrows in an attempt to seem sexy.

“I’m pretty positive the first thing I said to you was ‘I may throw up on you.’”

“It was subtext.” He shrugged.

“Subtext? For _what_?”

Jim closed his eyes and raised his eyebrows in concentration. It honestly looked like thinking had become physically painful for him.

“It was subtext because…because…when you said ‘I’m gonna throw up on you’, what you were actually thinking-- what your subconscious was trying to say, was ‘I’m gonna _throw my legs around your waist'--”_

“Oh my _God_.” she whacked him across the face with her pillow.

Jim giggled. “I’m serious, though, I knew that you were one classy woman when I met you that day.”

Her mouth hung open in disbelief. “I caused a scene by _refusing to come out of the bathroom_." 

“ _That_ was hilarious.” 

“I went on a half-drunken rant about my ex-husband!”

“Sexy as hell.”

Jim smirked to himself, and he settled down in the bed so he was completely flat. He closed his eyes again, and steepled his hands together over his chest. He gently hummed to himself, and he looked peaceful.

Watching Jim like that, Lenore felt an epiphany about this whole situation. She suddenly understood everything for what it actually was in its entirety, and she felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner.

“You seriously _like_ me, don’t you? Like honestly, care about me.” She said softly. It was more of a statement than a question.

There was an extended silence, and Lenore was afraid Jim had fallen asleep. But then he answered. “Yeah, Bones. I seriously do.” His voice was as soft, if not more so, than hers.

“Okay, Jim. Okay.”

The room was at this point so completely pitch black that they couldn’t even see each other. Neither one of them bothered to say anything else. Eventually their brains became so fuzzy and relaxed from the alcohol that they passed out with less than a few inches of space separating them.

***

Lenore was sitting on her bed, working on a dissertation for her Xenopharmacology class, when she began hearing a low and steady thumping. She paused, listening around her to find the source. It was coming from outside of her window.

The poor woman stood and slowly walked over to the open window, an irrational sense of dread already settling in the pit of her stomach.

“Bones! _Boooooooones_. Bonesy!!! I know you’re up there, pretending to ignore my seductive voice! _BONES_. I won’t stop yelling until you come to your window!”

She looked down at the ground from the third story room. She felt like she was seriously going to regret her actions.

Well, you know what they say about going with your gut feeling…

The kid was _standing_ outside her dorm window, an ancient 20 th century boombox on his shoulders (where could you even _get_ one of those anymore?), with a very corny love song blaring from the speakers.

The song had a catchy upbeat rhythm with what sounded like drums, an electric guitar, and a keyboard.

The speakers boomed:

_Where did you come from, angel_

_How did you know I’d be the one_

_Did you know you’re everything I prayed for?_

_Did you know every night and day for?_

Lenore’s mouth hung completely open. She was conflicted between (1) going down there and choking the life out of Jim, and (2) laughing so hard that her sides would hurt.

Then Jim started to _fucking sing along._

_“I believe in miracles!_

_Where’re you from_

_you sexy thing?_

_I believe in miracles_

_Since you came along,_

_you sexy thang”_

Jim’s voice cracked when he tried to sing the higher parts of the song. His falsetto was physically painful to listen to, and Lenore actually winced in sympathy. He was making a damn fool of himself down there, but he didn’t even seem to _care_.

Lenore clapped her hand over her mouth, uncontrollable laughter already bubbling up. “Jesus _fucking Christ, Jim.”_

Jim pointed up at Bones, wiggling his hips in rhythm with the music. He looked absolutely ridiculous. “ _You. Me. My room._ Be there in ten minutes!”

_“You stupid fuck, we live together!”_

_“What? You said you wanna_ fuck _?”_ Even from the third floor up, she could make out the shit-eating grin plastered on his stupid face.

“Oh my _God_ ,” she hissed. She dug her hands deep into her hair, willing this whole day to just end. Lenore settled on leaving Jim to stand outside and wallow in the awkward attention he was getting from the rest of the dorm building. By that point, most of them had also gone to their windows to investigate where that vile sound came from.

Giggling a little bit, she shut her window and sat down on the bed, waiting for the damn idiot to come back inside.

***

Jim’s pestering was completely getting on her nerves that week. All Lenore wanted was one goddamn day where she wasn’t constantly bombarded with illogical images of the two of them doing _very_ sexy things (even if she secretly wanted to do _all_ of those things just as much as he did).

Her mind raced with a hundred different excuses as to why they couldn’t and/or shouldn’t date.

She blurted the first coherent thing to pop into her head. Initially she was horrified with the blatant lie.

But then she just kind of rolled with it.

“Jim, I’m a lesbian, okay? I don’t like men.”

“Bones, you have a five-year-old kid.”

“Don’t be so goddamn close-minded. Tons of gay people have children.”

“You were married. _To a man!”_

“And you know how that turned out!”

Jim clearly wasn’t buying it, so Bones had to improvise.

“Okay. You don’t believe me? Fine. I’ll give you proof.”

She went over to her bedside table and opened the drawer. She picked up a shoebox full of old photographs and plopped it on the bed.

She hastily went through the pile, haphazardly throwing most of them onto the blanket. Then she found what she was looking for.

She handed Jim the photo, and crossed her arms smugly.

Jim gasped in horror, pointing to the picture, to Bones, and then back to the picture. “Was this your…? _Were you two…?”_

Cousins. They were cousins.

Her name was Janelle, and she lived in Kentucky. 

But Jim didn’t need to know that.

“Yes,” Lenore nodded gravely. “We were.” 

Jim continued to stare in shock at the crumpled picture. It showed them as late teens, posing with their arms wrapped around each other. Janelle was kissing Lenore on the cheek, and Lenore’s mouth was wide open as she laughed.

“We were close our entire lives.” Well, duh, they were related. “We used to sneak out late at night.” To steal peaches and tell ghost stories in their tree house. “We even lived together for a while.” Yeah, for a summer at their grandma’s house. 

Jim swallowed. “Well, then. I’m sorry for bugging you all of this time when I clearly never had a chance.” He was acting like a complete drama queen. Lenore bit down on the inside of her cheeks so she could stop herself from giggling.

Jim looked up at the sky (well, actually it was the ceiling) and he raised his arms up in frustration. “Oh my God, how could I have ever thought that I could compare to a _hot girl_? I’ll never possess the grace and feminine beauty that only a woman has, no matter how hard I try!” He covered his face in shame.

She watched this display with a mixture of amusement and guilt. The fact of the matter was Lenore loved Jim just as much as Jim loved her. But Lenore knew that if they did date, it would most likely end in disaster. She didn’t want to relive the heartbreak that she experienced with her ex-husband.

So in Lenore’s mind, the only sure-fire solution to ensuring both of them remained happy was to completely turn down his romantic advances. She figured Jim would eventually get over her and move on to someone who was actually deserving of his affections.

Lenore was just a grumpy twenty-six year old woman, after all.

So, yeah, back to Jim’s emotional breakdown.

“Jim, I kind of think you overreacting to this,” she muttered drily.

“Bones, I’m so sorry,” he whispered. He gripped her shoulders and stared at her with his wide blue eyes. Bones briefly considered pushing him away.

“I never meant to make you uncomfortable,” he continued. “I want you to be happy. I want you to meet a woman who’ll treat you right, and worship you like a queen. A woman who will buy you flowers that aren’t accidentally addressed to her mother, and candy that doesn’t give you a fake allergic reaction.

You’re the most amazing and beautiful person I’ve met, and I know someday you’ll meet the right person who realizes that.”

Goddammit. Bones couldn’t help it. She started crying. It began as a stinging in her eyes, and then her nose started itching. It all went to hell from there.

Jim was so close to her, and was giving this really thoughtful speech, and he looked at her with such care and earnest concern…she got overwhelmed.

The tears wouldn’t stop, furiously racing down her cheeks. Lenore felt like a baby. A pathetic, blushing, crying baby. She tried to blink them away, but her vision just blurred even more.

Instead, Jim gently wiped them away. Lenore reflexively closed her eyes at the contact. Jim took his thumbs and slowly swiped at the moisture collecting on her closed lids. She took a shuddering breath.

“Hey, hey…” he murmured. “Don’t cry, Bones. You don’t have anything to feel bad about. I know you’ve kept this a secret for a long time, but now it’s out in the open. It’s okay, Bones. You don’t need to hide anymore.”

Lenore nodded, trying to stop her vocal cords from constricting. “Hey, Jim?” she finally whispered. Her voice was hoarse and scratchy. “D’ya think you could give me…a few hours to myself? I’m not upset with you,” she insisted. “Not at all. I think…I just need to sort a few things out." 

“Sure thing.” He smiled tenderly, and pulled her into a hug. It was unlike any of the goofy, awkward bear hugs he had given her before. It was quiet, strong, and protective. “Just send me a message when you want me to come back, okay?”

Lenore hummed a soft noise in affirmation. She clung to him harder than she had done with anyone in a long time. After a minute of silence, she shyly hid her face into the crook of his neck.

“Thank you, Jim.”

***

That evening, she continued her emotional collapse. She sobbed about everything that had been stored away inside of her for years.

She cried over her father, about her immense remorse over being unable to save him.

She wept about the bitter divorce with her ex-husband, and her estranged relationship with her daughter.

She cried over the lie she had just spun that was likely to blow up in her face. 

And she cried over just how deep she had fallen for Jim Kirk.

***

A little past eleven, the tears had all been used up, so Lenore texted Jim to come back.

However, she fell asleep before he returned to the dorm, and as a result, they didn’t say a single word to each other for the rest of the night.

***

When she woke up the next morning, she felt immensely better. Bawling your eyes out typically has that sort of effect.

Jim had apparently already left while she was still sleeping. Lenore tried to think through her sleep-addled brain and remember where Jim was supposed to be that day. _Wait…shit, what day is it? Thursday. So he’d be…at Hall F._

She figured she’d be able to catch him before his class. His started at 11, and hers began at 11:30, so it would all work out, right?

She stumbled out of the bed and stripped out of her old, wrinkly clothes. She threw them in a pile on the floor. Then she pulled the bright-red uniform dress over her head and sprinted out the door. 

Worry and nausea knotted her stomach as she stepped outside. The thought that their conversation last night (i.e. her monumentally huge lie) had thrown off the dynamic of their friendship kept going through her head. She didn’t want the two of them to feel uneasy around each other, and being the upfront person she was, she decided to just _ask_ Jim if they were alright. For God’s sake, it shouldn’t be that daunting of a task. 

She already knew that he would be in the cafeteria hall with Sulu and Chekov, because honestly? The kid was always shoving food in his face.

Lenore felt extremely paranoid when the doors whooshed open and several people looked up from their boring conversations to look at her.

Lenore was not by design a self-conscious or nervous woman. She didn’t give a shit what people thought of her, or how she looked. Her mama had raised her with a sense of confidence and an emphasis on judging a person on their wit, not their appearance.

That was 99% of the time. Today, however, was that 1%. Anxiety bubbled up in her stomach, and she felt an irrationally paranoid, as if in the span of a few hours, Jim had somehow spread the secret of her untrue sexuality all over campus. Which he wouldn’t have, by the way.

She spotted him on the far end of the mess, sitting with his usual friends. Taking in a steadying breath, she smoothed her uniform down and headed over to him. She replayed what she intended to say over and over in her head.

Jim looked up from his conversation about, apparently, the sex appeal of alien horns. His face lit up. “Hey, Bones! Fancy seeing you here.”

“Yeah, it is, isn’t it? About that…uh…could I have a word with you? Maybe over there?” She pointed to a secluded corner. “It won’t take long, I swear.”

“No problem. Anything for you, Bones,” he teased.

She led the way with him trailing behind her. She could practically feel people’s eyes burning onto them. 

When they got to the corner, she turned and faced him.

“Are we… _okay_ , Jim? Do you feel awkward around me, or anything like that? I don’t want you to stop being your usual stupid and silly self, even if it is annoying.”

Jim looked incredulous. “Of course we’re fine, Bones! Why would you ever think that?”

“Well, it got kind of…weird last night. It just kinda threw me off to see you act so serious all of a sudden.”

“Like I said, I want you to be happy. That’s all.”

Relief washed over her, and she let out tension-filled breath. “Okay, that’s good. I need to say something else as well. I’m not actually--”

At that moment Sulu interrupted her and frantically grabbed Jim’s arm. “Hey, come on, we’re gonna be late!”  
  
“Sorry, I’ll catch up with you later, okay?” he blurted apologetically while Sulu dragged him away. 

Lenore sighed and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure. Whatever, dumbass.” 

Lenore’s anatomy refresher course was less than captivating. Even when they incorporated alien anatomy into the lesson, which should have been marginally more interesting, it still sucked. If she had to sit through one more goddamn lesson on the “different yet ultimately similar structure between Vulcan and human vertebrae,” she silently vowed to shoot herself in the foot.

Twenty minutes in, and she was honestly struggling with not passing out and banging her head on the blacktop desks. 

However, her communicator vibrating in her uniform pocket roused her to consciousness. She decidedly ignored the text message. It probably wasn’t important, and she didn’t want to risk being called out by the professor.

Less than a minute later, it vibrated again. She breathed in deeply, irritated. It was probably just Gaila texting her about something stupid. She and Nyota Uhura had been recently bugging her about meeting them at a party that weekend, but Lenore had absolutely no intention of going. Being 26 sort of took the fun out of those types of things.

After the third text came through, her curiosity overruled any sort of logic she may have possessed.

Her heart pounded while she waited for the right moment that the professor wouldn’t be facing in her direction. Not that she was likely to get caught, anyways. She was seated in the very left row, and the professor didn’t tend to look that way very often.

Very indiscreetly, she pulled the communicator out of her pocket and flipped it open. It wasn’t from Gaila or Nyota.

It was from Jim Fucking Tiberius Kirk.

The first text was a picture message.

She literally almost fell out of her chair when she saw it.

It was a picture of a very attractive woman posing on a chair in blood-red lingerie.

…

Lenore was pretty certain that there were much safer and practical ways of sitting on a chair.

Horrified as it was, she dared to look at the next two texts.

_From: Jim Kirk_

**does this make you hot, Bones?**

_From: Jim Kirk_

**oh, it so DOES, doesn’t it?!**

Bones was so pissed. No, screw that, she was _livid_.

_From: Lenore McCoy_

**Do you enjoy having your genitals intact, Jim?**

_From: Jim Kirk_

**for the finer experiences in life, yes**

_From: Lenore McCoy_

**Then you’d just better watch your back, you dumb fuck. I won’t be quick to forget this.**

_From: Jim Kirk_

**Why? For making you all hot and bothered in class?**

_From: Lenore McCoy_

**I am anything BUT hot and bothered right now**. **You’d be wise to wear a cup for the rest of the foreseeable future.**

_From: Jim Kirk_

**i don’t need to worry about that, my dick is hard as a rock. Nothing can break it.**

_From: Lenore McCoy_

**I think you fail to remember that I’m a trained surgeon, and am capable of removing that pathetic excuse of a knob you call a dick in at least 6 different ways.**

_From: Jim Kirk_

**i completely understand and sympathize that your hurtful jibes at my man junk are just your way of saying that you’re completely repulsed by the male form, but there’s no need for threats, bonesy**

_From: Lenore McCoy_

**Jesus FUCK, JIM. YOU CAN SLEEP IN THE HALL TONIGHT.**

There were no more replies from Jim for at least ten minutes, so Lenore hoped that was the end of it.

“Hoped” being the key term.

But no, Jim did in fact choose to harass Lenore once more with stupid texts.

Well, actually, four or five.

They were all pictures, to Jim Kirk’s credit.

Also giving props to Jim’s raw bravery and apparent desire to get punched in the face, _they were so much worse_ than the first picture. The lingerie girl paled in comparison with these ones.

Without getting too explicit, the picture messages all featured, _ahem_ , “extremely classy” lesbian porn. Lenore pondered (probably for longer than was natural) how much pressure and velocity would be required to pop the girls’ silicone boobs. She squinted in deep concentration, and then she got the vague feeling that the girl next to her was starting to get worried about her.

One final text came through.

_From: Jim Kirk_

**you like???**

Lenore hissed out a sigh through her nose, fantasizing about throwing the communicator at the nearest wall. 

Instead, she did the mature adult thing, and tucked it back into her uniform pocket.

Then she slid down in her chair, hoping that Jim Kirk tripped over his shoelaces. Or something equally embarrassing.

The moment class was over, Lenore shot out of her seat and stomped out of the room. She wanted to find Jim Kirk and squeeze the life out of him with her powerful feminine abilities.

But he was nowhere in sight. He must have experienced a brief moment of logic and thought it wise to stay away from her for a while.

She couldn’t find him, which pissed her off even more. So she sat on a bench located by two sidewalks and fumed for twenty minutes. After that, though, her anger sort of drained from her body. It felt like it would take too much effort trying to obliterate Jim into smithereens, and just thinking about it ended up exhausting her.

With an age-weary groan, she pushed herself off of the bench and trudged her way back to the dorm. _At least now I don’t have to worry about things being awkward or solemn between us,_ Lenore mused peevishly. _That ass is already finding ways to aggravate me. And he thinks it’s fucking hilarious._

When she got back to her dorm, Jim was once again nowhere to be found. However, he did leave a present to announce his being there earlier.

It was a bright purple strap-on dildo, _laying on top of her fucking bed._ Lenore should have been used to Jim’s tomfoolery by that point, she really should have. It was to be expected of him, really. Not that Lenore was an expert in elaborate sex-toys, but by the looks of it, the dildo must have been pretty expensive.

_Of course_ , Jim wouldn’t be caught dead putting half-assed effort into his pranks. It wouldn’t have been characteristic of him to buy (or steal) a second-rate dildo. It would have been the pinnacle of shame to purchase anything less than from the highest-quality sex stores. To that insane brat, it was “Go hard or go home.”

Speaking of “hard…”

Without thinking twice about it, Lenore crossed the room, grabbed the vile makeshift penis, and chucked it out of her open window. It was an unfortunate experience for the poor girl three stories down who must have been walking along, just minding her own business when it landed next to her with a thump. Lenore heard the girl let out a blood-curdling scream. She couldn’t bring herself to feel too guilty.

Instead, she simply flopped onto her bed and rested her arm over her eyes in an effort to shield out some of the light that fueled her impending migraine.

That night, Lenore had an elaborate dream where she was shooting darts at plastic tits.

***

The final incident happened just two weeks after the “sexts.” Jim had been considerably dormant with his romanticisms, and Lenore was enjoying the peace and quiet that resulted.

Lenore sat at her desk once again. She was making some final additions to the dissertation she’d been toiling over for months. She listened to an ancient music playing device that Jim had found and given her. The damned song he had serenaded her with was on replay. Lenore would never admit even if she was being tortured, but it was catchy. Albeit stupid. But still catchy.

This relaxed and comfortable state went on for about an hour.

Until, as per usual, the damn fool burst into the dorm like he was being chased by a fucking sehlat or something. He ran over to her and yanked the earbuds out of her ears.

“Bones! Hey, stop whatever you’re doing and come over here! I wanna show you something.”

“Jim, would you _stop charging into every goddamn room each time you get excited?_ You scare the shit out of me when you do that!” She was fuming.

In her shock, she hadn’t’ had time to register exactly _what_ Jim was wearing. She studied him with deep suspicion. He had on a long velvety black robe that reached his shins. The curiosity canceled out the annoyance.

“Uh…Jim, why are you wearing that? D’ya need to take a shower or something, because you could’ve just asked…”

“No, Bones. Just sit down on your bed nice and pretty, and relax, alright? I’m about to blow your mind.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Well, now. I’m intrigued, Jim.” She sat down on the bed compliantly and leaned back a little, crossing her legs.

He slowly untied the belt to his robe, never breaking eye contact with Lenore. His eyebrows wiggled suggestively and Lenore resisted the urge to snort.

He shrugged himself out of the robe with a flourish. And underneath the robe…

Holy _shit_. Lenore’s heart stopped.

Underneath the mysterious black robe, Jim wore a lacy black lingerie outfit. To make up for the obvious lack of breasts, the push-bra was replaced with inserts. There was nothing covering him from his chest down to his hips, so Lenore got a fantastic view of his toned stomach. 

And then…wow, this _really_ took the cake…hooked up to the black panties was a garter belt. The top of the stockings had sexy black ruffles sewn on, and the rest of the stockings trailed down into a fishnet pattern.

“You like it?” he asked, a sultry tone to his voice. His biceps rippled, and Lenore was finding it difficult to focus on much anything else besides his physical appearance.

Damn it all to hell, she honestly couldn’t figure out if she wanted to make fun of him or fuck him. She could feel some of her brain synapses sizzling out of control.

“Jim,” she stammered. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” he scoffed. “I realized that if I wasn’t able to woo you as a man, I would just become the _woman_ of your dreams instead!

“Listen, you really don’t have to do this. It’s very sweet and thoughtful of ya, but it’s not necessary. I’m not--”

“Stop talking.” His eyes narrowed and he placed his finger over her lips to shut her up.

Leisurely, he turned around, never breaking that smoldering eye contact until his back was to her. Then he gently shifted his weight from foot to foot. Even in this simple motion, he still managed to display the mesmerizing motion of his hips.

His well-built shoulders rolled back sensuously in tandem with his hips. Lenore could distinguish every single muscle working.

Lenore didn’t know what was wrong with her. She never would have expected that this would turn her on. She was supposed to think this was _funny_ , not sexy! Maybe a man dressed in lingerie was just some clandestine kink of hers.

It was such weird experience. Jim was doing this silent and captivating dance for her, and it wasn’t even very elaborate, but the next thing she knew, she was questioning her sexual preferences.

Jim continued the dancing/really seductive walking display. He turned around again to face her. Fingers elongated, he stretched his arms high above his head and smirked knowingly at her bewildered expression. He posed for a few moments, letting Lenore truly take in everything she was seeing. Then he gradually lowered his hands and let them slide lower and lower on his body: His chest, ribs, abs, hips... He deliberately let them linger on his stomach, damn him.

Was the furnace turned on, or was that just her?

She had to stop this before she made a damn fool of herself.

“Jim. Jim! Sweetheart, please stop.”

He halted the dance. “What’s up? Can’t handle all of the hotness?” he smirked. 

She sucked in a deep breath and bit her lip until it turned white. “I’m not a lesbian.”

“Yeah you are, you said it yourself!”

“Darlin’, I lied. I just came up with the first excuse I could think of so you would stop annoying me.”

“Are you serious? I spent an hour trying to figure out how to put this damn outfit on for nothing?”

“I’m so sorry, Jim. I tried to tell you before.” Okay, she _really_ needed a fan right about now.

“Dammit! I even devoted an entire week getting dance lessons from Uhura, which she though was fucking hysterical--”

“ _Wait_. You’re telling me that you went out of your way to get Stripper 101 lessons from Nyota? Just to get me to like you?”

“Whoa, her name’s _Nyota_?”

“Focus, Jim.”

“Well, duh. And she was the one who helped me pick out the outfit. I did all of this stuff for you, because I really like you. As in, ‘I get so nervous when you’re around that I get butterflies and wanna throw up’ like you. That, and I’ve always had this really kinky desire to strut around in women’s lingerie.”

He winked and shimmied his shoulders, which caused the stuffing in the bra to fall out. Lenore barked out a surprised laugh.

She stood up, taking her time to trail her fingers up his stomach as she went. Because of how close to the bed Jim initially was during the dance, when Lenore stood at full height, she practically ended up nose-to-nose with him. Their breath mingled, and a nervous energy crackled around them.

For once in all of the time Lenore had known him, Jim was completely at a loss for words. All of the infuriating confidence and arrogance he was renowned for completely vanished.

“Jesus, Jim,” she whispered. “I thought you’d never shut up.”

And then she kissed him. Full on the mouth, desperate, needy, the whole ballpark of sexy awesomeness. Jim wasted no time in responding. He knotted his hands deep into her curly brown hair as if he’d been waiting for this moment his entire life. Just in those few moments as they kissed, Lenore could physically _feel_ the absolute adoration that he felt for her. Her knees shook at the realization, and she had to grasp his lower back to stay balanced.

They finally broke apart, breathing heavy and just simply looking at each other. Her chest heaved with lack of oxygen.

Jim looked down at her triumphantly. “Oh man, I knew it! I am totally awesome!” he grinned stupidly.

“Don’t push it, kid.”

“Or what, you’ll castrate me or something?”

“Among other things,” Lenore murmured, experimentally pressing her thigh against his dick through the lacy boxers.

Jim tipped his head back and moaned. “ _Oh God._ You’re a fucking tease, you know that?” he gasped. 

“Among other things,” she repeated, grabbing him by the hips and tipping them back onto the bed.

 

 

 

 


End file.
